Endings

Does anything really ever end? as soon as something ends something else starts and the cycle keeps repeating on and on forever, erasing the meaning of both words and to think of it overwhelms me. I hate it when things end, but love keeping the memory of the things that were, that happened, that we shared, moments of real magic, of lust, of beauty and of pure joy, of just being there without talking, just existing together, and those will never be truly erased, just as the love I feel, which burns for eternity and will never be extinguished, I will always be able to find comfort in those memories and will cherish them for life.

So I ask again, do things really end if the memories persist? If the feeling of having a safe place in a person, in confiding them with all my burdens and problems, opening up with my darkest secrets which no one else knows and in sharing things unique to them or just being able to show your true self, in living new experiences and forming tight bonds so quickly and wishing it could had lasted for a lifetime, you and me together. As long as these experiences keep on living inside the person you lived them they will never cease to exist, won't end and will keep living on.

Seing as this might be the "end" of a beautiful time in my life I wish nothing but to keep those times alive, keep remembering how amazing this was, how whole she made me feel and just how much loved and seen I felt by her. I will forever be grateful to God for my life and for all that I have lived, even when plans go out of my control, which I'm not really used to, I have faith that everything happened for a reason and that his plans for both of us are not done yet.

As weird as this feels you've given me a new clarity, new inspiration and creativity, while feeling things I've never felt before and seeing myself as frail, you've allowed me to cry for the first time in 10 years, to feel unwanted, unloved, unworthy and unhappy, to be vulnerable with others and not keep faking it and it feels amazing to be heard, adviced and procured for once. You have no idea how exhausting it is to go through life faking that I'm always happy, that I'm always the strong one and the reliable one for everyone, and I thank you for that, for alloweing me to open my armor and come out of it just to be loved and accepted in my time of despair.

And maybe now is a time that calls for change, for becoming a better man, to finally take an important step towards the future and in focusing in myself and in all the things that matter, to keep away from addictions and old patterns, to let go off of old habits, persons, situationships and to say good bye to the old self in hopes of a brighter future, and then just allow things to unfold themselves, whatever happens, happens.

Just rest assured that my love for you will forever be there, that even in friendship you will have a safe place in me, that I will forever help you reach your wildest dreams, and that I will forever remember you and our most amazing time together. My mind is made and I never doubted you, never doubted us, and never will. I will wait to see what the future brings and hope it brings you again and again and again.

Fear of loss is fucking hard to conquer, but just now I'm relieved, things are clear, my feet are where they should be.