Fuck Love (or the lack of it)

First english post inspired by both this song and the way that I have been feeling during the past few years and never expressed out loud, I advice you listen to the song while reading.

Before I start rambling on and on I wanna make it clear for everyone that what they say about having different personalities when speaking different languages is true as fuck, I find myself surprised everytime I speak, write or read in english because even my self confidence seems affected, Im much more receptive, much more quiet, tend to listen better and to give second thoughts to things I would not normally even perceive, like conversations or topics, so my point of view or opinion may differ from my normal spanish speaking one...

Words cannot express just how much of a problem love has been for me throughout my life, I've come to love it, I've come to also hate it and despise it as much, I even came to believe it was not mean for me or that it didn't exist and there was only something temporary, but something changed.

I guess I'm finally ready, ready to feel myself free from any past emotional attachments, relationships, toxic shit i received, toxic shit I also gave. I'm finally done pretending to be someone or playing mind games just for the sake of being with someone by force; That shit ain't love, that's manipulation, which is a game I excel at but try to play less and less often as I grow older (who the fuck would have thought I was gonna make it to 32).

I find myself at the crossroads of life where I know where my work is taking me and is finally reaching the point where I am able to think of a new person, of sharing my life with somebody new, not because of the peer and family pressure, nor because of the existential dread of being alone for life, I'm fine with that, but because I finally feel ready, brand new, a blank canvass and someone with love to offer and deserve because of the person I've grown to be.

The title of the post and the song basically summarizes how I felt all the past years, even though I wanted to feel loved, appreciated or wanted to forcefully share experiences with someone I was finally able to notice the pattern, to break it, stop it and change it for good, and I cannot even explain why this happened, or when I decided to make something different, to stop obsessing, stop giving my piece of mind away for people that did not even think of me at at all and at this point even I am impressed when I see them with their actual couples, I do feel empathy towards them, I do feel happy for them and I don't event have a clue why, the only thing is that at last, I feel happy by myself.

Don't get me wrong, I still believe in flirting, I'm not a fucking eunuch or a nun and won't stop liking girls just because they are pretty or because they have a decent conversation topic and won't stop until I am fucking sure that I found someone worth leaving it all behind. 

And fucking love, this huge force of nature, both for good and evil, I do believe in you, I believe in having a soulmate waiting out there for me, be it now or later, a moon to howl to, someone to complete me as I am, broken and healing.

I'm Ready.